Sunday, August 16, 2009

Welcome to Animal Cracker Deathmatch, the blog that attempts to answer the question that's burned in your mind for years.

Which Animal Cracker is the baddest?

For years mankind has debated this very question. Only recently was the technology discovered that would allow us to finally put decades of wonder and debate to rest. Over the coming weeks we here at ACDM will pit these warriors of flour and sugar against one and other in an effort to determine once and for all who is the strongest.

The rules will be simple. Two combatants will be pitted against each other in a nature's rules deathmatch. To spice up the battles a bit one contestant will be awarded home ecosystem advantage. The advantage will be decided through a fair and impartial coin-toss. The distinct and differing climates and environments could provide some unexpected and exciting results. The battles won't end until one contestant becomes killed or incapacitated. The winning cracker will be given some time to heal and will move on to the next round of competition.

In an effort to remain fair to the Animal Cracker kingdom a wide variety of animals will be represented. Predators and prey alike will be given the opportunity to prove themselves in battle.

We would like to make sure all of our readers realize the seriousness of what we are doing here. There are no computer simulations, camera tricks, or special effects here. All of the battles are very real and in the end all but one of our competetors will be dead.

The staff here at ACDM would like to commend all of our contestants for their bravery and valor. These individuals truly are the cream of the crop and they have our utmost respect and admiration.

In our first battle we pit two clowns of the ice and show. The fun yet feisty penguin will go to war with the amusing and intelligent seal.

Fortunately for our combatants they are both accustomed to very similar climate and this weeks home eco-system advantage should have little effect. To the reader this means that we will have a no holds barred battle where the best animal will prevail.

The fight started off on land and as both animals quickly realized neither one was very graceful or speedy on flat ground. The both immediately sought the comfort of the sea. Once in the water the battle began to heat up. The penguin was no match for the lumbering seals surprising speed under the water and quite a few close calls were had. Sensing his imminent doom the penguin slyly hopped out of the water and waddled to the top of a steep incline. Confused by the sudden disappearance of his adversary the seal began to frantically search the surrounding waters for his foe. After several minutes of searching to no avail he headed for an opening in the ice. Suddenly in a move none of us here at ACDM anticipated the penguin slid on his stomach down the incline towards the hole at a blistering pace. The seal popped out of the hole with his back to penguin completely unaware of what was about to happen. The sheer momentum of the penguin's desperate attack was just enough to snap the seals neck as the penguin slammed into the back of his aggressor with a sickening thud.

Despite the well earned concussion the penguin was able to prevail despite his lack of size and strength. On this day sheer determination and strategy were enough to win the day and move on to the next round.

Next time on Animal Cracker Deathmatch we will travel down under to the Australian outback to witness the war between the mighty Kangaroo and the clever Chimpanzee.